Tag Archives: Stuff you didn’t want to know

How Facebook made me sniff glue. Not really though.

I don’t go to Facebook very often.  Frankly because I get sick of seeing whose child has been recently toilet trained, or who has given who a plant/animal/sexually transmitted disease on those silly games they play.

But today while scrolling through the announcements of impending doom marriages, new engagements, pregnancies, job promotions and bowel movements I came to a rather harsh realization.

It seems while everyone else my age is falling in love, getting married and having babies I’ve been busy having abortions, getting divorced and making plans to go back to University.

<<<<<<CRASH BANG TINKLE>>>>>>

Did you hear that?  Yep.  That’s was my emotional train de-railing.  The tinkle part was the shattering of my childhood dreams.

I realise it’s alright to be a wreck sometimes.  That it’s not THE END OF THE WORLD I’m fast approaching 30 and none of my dreams have yet been realized.  Lately, however, I seem to have lost all my strength and every single damn day is a struggle.

In this moment as I sit here wrapped up in my flaws and failings, safe in this uncomfortable but familiar bed I have made for myself I know I have two choices.

I can wish upon a star and just hope things work out for me.  Or I can change my attitude, and change my life.

So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get out the dustpan and brush, pick up the pieces of my broken dreams and try to put them back together with cloth tape and superglue.  I won’t even sniff the glue.  Promise.

Then I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and keep fighting to make my dreams come true – or die trying.  Hopefully not in a train wreck though, because that would be kind of fucked up.

On a side note, the ‘i’ key has fallen off my keyboard and I’ve lost it.  After thoughtful consideration about writing this post completely without i’s and figuring that would make me look drunk be very hard to read I persevered.  You’re WELCOME.

 


51 things about me

So, I was thinking of a way I could tell you all a little more about myself, without rambling TOO much and having you fall asleep at your keyboards.  And so, the “Things about me” list was born.  I’m lazy.  Keep up.

I managed to get to 51, though I probably cheated.  Whatever.  Enjoy!

  1. I quit smoking about a month ago.  I’ve lost count because I don’t smoke anymore.  While I was quitting, however, I was often feeling stabby and throwing 5 year old tantrums.  Thankfully, I live alone.
  2. I once painted a house.  Like, the whole outside of the house. 
  3. Sometimes I can be quite flaky.
  4. Even though I am sometimes flaky, I am excellent in an emergency.  If there is going to be a zombie invasion I am definately a good person to have around until they start chasing us and I trip you.  Stick with me.
  5. I can juggle.  Not a schedule, books, or boyfriends.  ACTUALLY Juggle.
  6. I have a love hate relationship with my unicycle, but I will eventually learn to ride it without doing bodily harm.
  7. This may be obvious,  but as a child I wanted to run away and join the circus.  Amongst a billion other things.
  8. I have a boat.  I always wanted a boat.  Now, if I can just find a set of drums my childhood dreams could be complete….
  9. When I was 20 and I fell pregnant and then had a complicated miscarriage.  The doctors at the time told me I probably wouldn’t be able to have children – So I’ve always told everyone else, and myself, that I don’t want kids when the truth is I think I would love a family and am too scared to admit it.
  10. I HATE people who pretend to be something they aren’t.  Especially when chatting online.  This is not just strong dislike people, this is HATE.
  11. I don’t really like mushrooms, but I will eat them if they are in something else.  I’d prefer not too though.
  12. I am a coffee whore.  I love coffee, I live for coffee, coffee is my life blood.  That is all.
  13. I don’t think whore is necessarily a BAD word if used in relation to coffee.  But if you call me a whore I might hurt you.  It’s okay for me to do it, not you.  Understand?
  14. My coffee addiction tried competing with my chocolate addiction, however after an epic battle of wits and strength they agreed to be friends and are currently residing in the form of chocolate covered coffee beans.
  15. I am 28 years old on Tuesday.
  16. I love the internet.  I love my internet friends.  I think we are all forging a fantastic new path for future generations to communicate, make friends, and network with people all over the world.
  17. I ❤ Twitter #AndIReallyReallyReallyLoveHashtags.  It’s always great to have more friends, and I find Twitter is a great place to find them.
  18. I love cooking.  And baking.  It’s actually quite scary how domesticated I can be.  Shhhh… Don’t tell anyone.
  19. I support Collingwood in the AFL. GO PIES!
  20. My dog is nearly 5 years old and he is a mastiff cross.  His name is Jake.  He is awesome.
  21. I used to ride horses, and at 15 was winning events at a national level.
  22. I don’t ride anymore, though I’d love to – maybe one day when I have the kids I say I don’t want.
  23. I love computers and technology yet I don’t even have my own computer.
  24. Storms are awesome, and there is nothing better than watching the lighting and listening the the thunder with someone you are close to.
  25. I play really awesome Guitar Hero.  But I have no actual musical talent at all.
  26. I need more shoes.  Unfortunately, I have expensive taste.
  27. My relationships have always been quite unromantic, and although I used to pretend I was okay with that the truth is I am a romantic at heart.  Again with the Shhh ok?
  28. I love the place I work and the people I work with, although I don’t love the job I am doing.  It is, however, the best place for me to be while I work out what I really want to do, and I am happy with that.
  29. Sometimes, I got to bed without taking off my make-up after a night out because I am too tired.
  30. I shaved my head once.  With a razor and everything, smooth.  It was to raise money for a charity so that made it ok.  Also, I had a bet on with my boss that she’d shave hers too if I raised over $5000.  I did.  I was a fantastic experience.
  31. I have a lot of trouble accepting help from other people, but I am learning that it’s ok to do that sometimes.
  32. I don’t like seafood.  Except some fish.  And prawns, sometimes.  Okay, I guess I like SOME seafood.
  33. I can’t sing.  Not in the “my ears are bleeding” kind of way.  Just in the “I’ll never be famous” kind of way.
  34. I enjoy fishing – and I can even bait my own hook.  I COULD clean the fish too, but really, I’d prefer not to.
  35. When I was about 21 I was so thin that I broke into our house (at the time) by having my housemate post me through the security bars on the windows like a letter.
  36. I suffer from insomnia, sporadically. 
  37. I really like the word sporadically.
  38. I was married, and separated from my husband last year.  It’s been difficult, but I know more about myself than I ever did, and I am kind of enjoying the self-discovery phase I am in.
  39. When I left high school I wanted to be a vet, and I studied a year a half of Applied Science at University.  Found it wasn’t for me, and spent too much time in the Arts faculty attending classes I wasn’t signed up for *cough* like Philosophy.  I left.
  40. I have already eaten an entire family block of chocolate while writing this.
  41. I used to be a Functions Manager and so know what it’s like to work 60 hour weeks.  I cherish my weekends.  Don’t ever fuck with them.
  42. Sometimes I swear.
  43. I am very non-judgemental, and a great listener.
  44. When I was 16 I was involved in a motorbike accident and I haven’t been on one since.
  45. I love sailing, although I haven’t done it in a really long time.
  46. Sometimes I think I am ready to start dating again.
  47. Sometimes I think I might not ever want a relationship again.
  48. I tend to contradict myself sometimes.
  49. I have an odd sense of humour, which I tend to tone down when around people who don’t know me very well.  Which is probably for the best.
  50. I’d really like to learn how to surf.   Preferably under the guidance of a really good looking male experienced instructor.
  51. I like to think I am a little be different, just like everyone else.

I think there’s something we can all learn from this – Lists are not my strong point!


Is this your penis?

*THIS POST IS NSFW.  ACTUALLY, I WOULD SUGGEST YOU DON’T SCROLL DOWN.*

It was a beautiful morning, and I was sitting on my front verandah with my smokes breakfast and some vodka freshly brewed coffee.

As usual, I open my e-mail, twitter, and facebook and see what’s new with the online world.

That’s when it happened.  Random Penis. ON MY EMAIL.

I joined a social/dating site a few of my friends were on, and the photo sent to me from someone who wants to ‘be my friend’.  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!? 

I have also had about 10 emails in broken English, and 4 one line messages asking if I want sex.  Still no real people.  Maybe I need to change my profile picture?

So, as I am currently quite drunk and it’s about 2am, I thought I would post a photo of said penis in the hopes that someone will recognise it.  I’d really like to return it as soon as possible.   I’m just not that kind of girl.

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS PENIS?

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS PENIS?

I’m the kind of girl who has a blog, and isn’t afraid to use it.

Ps.  If you have nothing better to do, follow me on twitter here.  

Pps. I am really really really drunk and I wanted to say thank you to all you people who are making me feel the online bloggy kind of love.  You know who you are.  I love you guys.

Pps.  You really shouldn’t join twitter.  It’s distracting.  I spent 45 minutes looking up what temperature to preheat the oven to for my cupcakes because I kept checking twitter first, then going back to the kitchen and remembering I STILL hadn’t looked it up.

Ppps.  Did I warn you at the start of this post that I was drunk?  I probably should have.  Last night I was also drunk, and came home wearing only one sock, but both my boots.  It’s okay though, I didn’t wear socks tonight.  I learn from my mistakes.


Sewage, Street Signs and Spiders. I hate Mondays.

The week has not started well.

As if I needed ANOTHER reason to hate Mondays, I woke up this morning with the scent of slightly processed sewage taking my nose hairs hostage.

I don’t even know what to say – If the hadn’t already convinced me, the trails of toilet paper in my backyard would have been enough to confirm it wasn’t grey water.  YUCK.

Why does this shit happen to me?

Of course, it has given me the excuse to make double entendre’s all day… (this is where I paused to google double entendre’s to make sure a. I spelled it correctly, and b. that is what I actually meant) with such gems as:

“I woke up and there was shit everywhere!”

“I really need to go home and see if someone can fix this shit”

“I hope they have that shit fixed before I get home!”

It’s just so much fun when you are talking about ACTUAL SHIT.  There is simply a shitload of possibilities.  And it’s also possibly the only slightly positive thing that happened today.

Driving home from work the ute was driving like a three wheeled tractor, so we pulled off the side of the road to have a look.  One of the mud guards had some loose and was banging against the wheel.  Being the ever resourceful pessimist I am, I just sighed and wired it back on with a coathanger. 

Further down the road, I was following a car which had a bumper sticker that read “Sponsored by Centrelink”.  No Shit.  Why would you advertise that on your CAR?! It’s like saying  “Hi, I am unemployed, a pensioner and/or disabled and I get government payments for that shit”.  Perhaps I just don’t understand.  I wanted to get a photo, but obviously am not as talented as TheBloggess, who manages to take photo’s WHILE DRIVING.

Nearly home, and on the corner of  my block I see a young feral, about 16, wearing ripped clothes and shaggy hair, with a sledgehammer pounding at the base of a street sign in what appeared to be an attempt to steal it.  Stopped at the light, I watched as he finally broke it, and it crashed to the ground.  Throwing the sledgehammer over his shoulder he ran quickly across the road – STRAIGHT INTO A COUNCIL TRUCK.  I am really glad I saw this, before I got home and called the Council to report it…

Yeah.  That would have been an AWESOME conversation.  NOT.

Got home, and it looks like my pool pump is broken – but I can’t check because there is a big evil spider lurking in the vicinity and I am seriously phobic about spiders. Like, jump-out-of-a-moving-car if-someone-mentions-the-word type of  phobic.

I’m writing this post, from my bedroom, armed with a can of bug juice, and the doors and windows are locked.  Shit.  Knowing my luck the house will burn down and I won’t be able to get out… 

Send Vodka and Drugs.  The codeword is “I have vodka and/or drugs”.


The Gardener and the Blow Job.

A long long time ago (last month) in a far away place (my backyard), the Gardener came to mow the lawns and trim the tree’s at my home.

He seemed like a nice guy, fitting me in on a day’s notice, and giving me a really cheap quote of $100, when the nearest other was $170 (I did have extremely long grass and overgrown gardens, so sue me).  I should have known it was all too good to be true.

He came with a new white van, towing a trailer containing a shiny red ride on mower, and he worked hard to get everything done – when he was finished it looked simply awesome.  Picking up two beers from the fridge and putting the $100 in my pocket I went down to say thank you and pay him.

I handed him his beer, and proceeded to thank him for doing such an awesome job.

“Cheers” He said, wiping the sweat from his forehead.  “That was a lot of work”.

I smiled and again thanked him for giving me such a cheap quote, crossing my fingers that he wasn’t about to ask me for more money (which I didn’t have).  I handed over the $100.

Taking the money, he smiled and said “You know, really the job was worth more than $100, how about $100 and a blow job?”

No Shit.  $100 and a blow job.  That is what he said.

I think the astonished and offended look on my face was apparent – so I paused, waiting for the “Just kidding”, or something similar to follow… I mean really, could he be serious? 

Apparently So.  No apology or explanation was forthcoming.  He just started at me.

I was stunned.  Shocked and Amazed.  Speechless… well, almost.

“You are lucky I already paid you.  Get the fuck outta my yard” I finally spat, disgusted.

Of course I went straight inside and made a few calls, still shocked that this kind of thing ACTUALLY happens, you know, outside a porn movie.

My pool guy said “Shit, that’s a bit much.  He should have offered YOU head for giving him your business!”

My other friend claimed “$100 AND a blow job? That’s a bit rich isn’t it?  Just how much is a blow job worth these days anyway?”

I love my friends.   They even offered to throw a balaclava party and beat him up for me. 

I am still seriously considering it –  I keep thinking, how many people has he tied that on?  The brazen way in which he asked suggests that maybe he has had some success in the past.  And that, is just plain scary.

What say you?  Should I leave it alone, or do something about it?


Teething Rings & Cock Rings – Can YOU tell the difference? Huh?

I was visiting a friend after work, and I noticed something that looked like this:

 

Random rubber gel thingy

Random rubber gel thingy

 My immediate thought? Oh my god, that is TOTALLY a cock ring.  On their front verandah.  Scary. 

My second thought? Oh, it must be a teething ring!  Of course!  That makes much more sense.  I mean, they DO have a 18 month old son.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

My third thought?  I wonder how you tell the difference?  That SO looks like a cock ring to me…

The of course, I came home to my dear friend google for an image search for cock rings, to see if they do look similar, or if it’s just my warped mind playing tricks on me.

And here is what I found…

Tell me they don’t look like teething rings to you!

Cock Rings

Cock Rings

And yes, I am VERY sorry I bought this to your attention.  Really.  You didn’t need to know.