Those who are reading this who also follow me on Twitter will know about my obsessive use of the #FeelingStabby hashtag. If you DON’T follow me on Twitter you can fix that by clicking here. If you don’t have twitter, I suggest you throw yourself off the nearest tall building. Or you could sign up to Twitter here. I’m really not fussed either way.
I thought for my return to blog-land I would list a few things that make me feel stabby, and a few that have been brought to my attention by my followers.
Mondays: I hate Mondays with a passion – They are, in actual fact, the arch nemesis of Feeling Stabby Girl, which is my alter ego and the only time I get to wear my underwear on the outside of my clothing. Unless I’m drunk. Or it’s a day ending in Y.
Spiders: I am not sure this requires any further explanation. I am jump-out-of-a-moving-car afraid of spiders.
Slow Internet: When my internet is being an arsehole, this makes me feel incredibly stabby. I know, my internet is probably just trying to be nice and allow me to make a cup of coffee between page loads but FFS I have my limits!!
When Twitter is broken: Incredibly frustrating when all you want to do is bitch about Twitter being broken ON Twitter and you can’t because Twitter is broken. Like right now when I have asked my followers their reasons for feeling stabby and I CAN’T SEE MY @Reply’s. Where did I put my knife?
My new neighbours: Do you remember my very first ever blog post about my neighbours? You don’t? Well go read it HERE. It’s okay. I’ll wait. Are you done now? It seems no matter where I move I cannot escape Total Eclipse of the Heart. Sometimes, the music my new neighbours play makes me want to cut myself, then bleed all over their nice white linen that’s hanging from their clothes line. I’m really NOT over reacting here. No-one should have to hear the alphabet song twenty times in a row. It’s worse than chinese water torture. Don’t ask me how I know that. It just is. Also, their linen isn’t white. I made that part up. Sorry.
Quitting smoking: This is where the #FeelingStabby hashtag originated for me. When I quit smoking I had random homicidal moments, and vented a lot on twitter. It’s ok. I started smoking again, for the benefit of society. You are welcome.
The fact that someone already has a Feeling Stabby blog on wordpress: I think this speaks for itself. NOW I have to be more creative and think of a DIFFERENT domain name. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Losing my potato peeler: This may not seem like a big deal, but I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY POTATO PEELER WENT! How do you lose a POTATO PEELER? I think someone stole it just to drive me slowly insane. Either that, or I accidentally threw it out last time I peeled the potato’s. I’m going to go with the theft option though.
Forgetting to buy a potato peeler at the supermarket and instead spending $50 on random items: I think that is self explanatory right?
Peanuts that are supposed to be salted but really don’t taste all that salty: The people who make peanuts like this deserve a punch in the undies. Just saying, there is NOTHING WORSE than opening a pack of salted peanuts and finding a serious lack of salt. It’s like they don’t even CARE.
People who spell definitely incorrectly: I know, at times, I completely butcher the English language. But seriously WTF people? There is NO ‘A’ IN DIFINITELY. It’s not rocket surgery aresholes.
Restaurants who do not have eggs benedict on their breakfast menu: This should be illegal. Enough said.
Companies/Bands that don’t respond to my letters: Like Cadbury, McDonalds and Stephen Lynch. You are both off my Christmas List. Okay, so I don’t have a Christmas list but if I did you wouldn’t be on it anymore. That will teach them to mess with ME.
People who write really long lists of stuff that are not at all entertaining: Which is why I am going to stop now. I could go on with this forever. You all know it. I am truly surprised that you are even still reading.
I asked Twitter what puts them in the #FeelingStabby mood, here are a few of the responses:
@Edak81: @JellyWrestler when fixing someones puter which ends up nearly killing mine, that makes be #Stabby
@Stefan MK1: @JellyWrestler This morning I was #FeelingVeryStabby because the coffee shop was closed for Easter.
@Emjaystar: @JellyWrestler drivers that don’t indicate, hypocrites, bad tv reception, aircon that doesn’t work properly, unable to find carpark, off milk
@Fissionxuiptz: @JellyWrestler people who sit in the overtaking lane, not overtaking 😡
@Webboy42: @JellyWrestler Arse holes who try to say wtf I can do and who I can love. #FeelingStabby
In related #FeelingStabby news: My dear friend @DaWhelp has been slaving away, making an iPhone Application for those of us who feel the need to diffuse our stabby tendencies.
After many hours working under the whip (ask him, he might even show you the scars) he has FINALLY finished it and it will soon be available for purchase – Stay tuned for more information!
In the meantime, what makes YOU feel stabby?