I NEED my 30g, GIVE IT BACK! (This post is not about drugs)

 

Dear Cadbury,

RE: GIVE ME BACK MY 30g!

 

Hi, I am sure you recognise my name –  And no, the restraining order DIDN’T say I couldn’t blog about this, they just didn’t want me calling your offices 54 times a day anymore.  And that thing about stalking, I guess.  But  I digress.

 

Now listen, all I am trying to do is kindly point out that there are some genuine flaws in the new packaging for for family block chocolate.  Since you won’t take my calls, and I doubt you read the note I wrapped around the brick I “delivered” to your office yesterday, I thought I would point a few things out here.

Oh yes, here come the dot points.

• Firstly, there is the undeniable fact that I NEED that extra 30g.  I know you probably don’t understand, I mean, you are surrounded by chocolate right?  Get it at any time of day or night?  Yeah, well for those of us out here in the  real world chocolate is like heroin.  And if I don’t get my fix I get ANGRY. 
• Speaking of drugs.  The new cardboard packaging is nice, but seriously, are you trying to encourage drug trade?  That cardboard is excellent camouflage for drug deals… “Here, I got you your chocolate, that’ll be $”.  I mean really, you didn’t think of that?  Shame on you.
• Also, the cardboard is also a FAR greater fire hazard than the paper.  I checked, it’s definitely more flammable.  Also, people are going to want to set fire to something when they find out they are missing that 30g.
• New packaging.  Easier to put it away and save it for later.  People are going to eat less chocolate.  Smart marketing plan?  I think not.  Just sayin’.

And before you ask, no, I don’t care about the money – does it cost less?  I didn’t notice – nor do I care.  I’ll pay.  I just don’t want to be shortchanged on my chocolate.

I have purchased the remaining family blocks from my local store, and have around half a carton.  I really think the only way to amend this is to change the packaging back as soon as possible and publicly apologise for disappointing us all.

Oh, and send me free chocolate.

Thanks,

Jelly.

Dear McDonalds, If you take pickles off a cheesburger, you can’t call it “Deluxe” even if you add other stuff.

I just sent the following email to McDonald’s via their website, thought I would share it with you…

Dear Ronald McDonald,

I usually have something from McDonald’s at least once a week.  But just because the only time I eat your food I am really really intoxicated and it’s 3am in the morning, does not mean I didn’t notice the distinct lack of pickles on my Cheeseburger Deluxe.

Now listen Ronald, it’s not that I am fussy.  Really.  I don’t even LIKE pickles.  But calling this new pickle-less burger a Cheeseburger Deluxe is JUST NOT ON. 

I know you added lettuce.  You also added some kind of mayonnaise.  And that’s fine.  But why, Ronald?  Why take the pickles?  Did you think we wouldn’t notice? It is just because you are sick of people throwing them on the front windows of your stores?

In short, if you’d have told me there weren’t going to be pickles, I wouldn’t have been expecting them, and would not have been dissapointed.   It’s all about customer expectation right?

Ronald, I cannot stress this point strongly enough – A cheeseburger is NOT a cheeseburger without pickles, therefore a Deluxe Cheeseburger cannot be any kind of cheeseburger either.  I hope you appreciate me bringing this to your attention.

Jelly.

PS.  I never did get a response from to the email I sent to Stephen Lynch…  I have crossed him off my Christmas list.

Stephen Lynch should tour Australia so I can follow him around like a groupie. Also, 3 Balloons ROCKS.

So, Stephen Lynch has a new album out called 3 Balloons.  And IT. IS. AWESOME.

AND, he’s touring right now.  But not in Australia. *sigh*

I know it sounds over stalker-ish, but if he doesn’t tour Australia soon, I might get kind of stabby.

So, I sent the following email to him through his website:

Dear Stephen,

Firstly, I am just going to get it out of the way and say OHMYGODILOVEYOUSOMUCH and be done with it.

*cough*  Moving right along.

I am from Australia, and have been a huge fan of you for A LONG TIME.  And, your new album is no exception.  Seriously.   It’s pretty fucking awesome.

Anyway, I would like to know if you have any plans to tour Australia in the future.  I mean shit, you could have a holiday, do three gigs and write it off on tax couldn’t you? It’s a beautiful country – Have you been here before?  I am sure you would love it, and perhaps find some inspiration for new material.

Hell, you could even stay at my place.  I’ll even cook.

Anyway, in closing, I would be really pleased if you could consider touring Australia.  If you don’t, I might get kind of stabby.  Apologies in advance. 

Yours in potential disturbing conversation,

Jelly.

Ps.  The views and opinions stated in this email in no way represent anyone other than the writer.  Except the bit about how awesome you are.  That’s an all-round thing.

*cough*  So anyway.  I doubt I will get a response, but I do feel a lot better for having at LEAST been proactive about it.  Especially since it’s the only thing I have done today.

Here is a link for my favourites from the new album – But seriously, you should go and buy it HERE.  Right Now.  Enjoy!

Fishin’ Hole

Much Prettier Than You

A History Lesson

Why are you still here?  If you don’t know about Stephen Lynch already, GO FIND OUT!

Oh, then come back and comment, I am feeling needy.