Popping my ambulance cherry – A free-boobing story.

It was cold, raining and WAY TOO EARLY when I got up Monday morning to torture myself at the pool before work.  I packed my work clothes in my bag, with the bright idea that my brain actually functioned at zero-dark-thirty in the morning.  I should have known better.

I remembered my hair brush.  I remembered my deodorant.  I even remembered socks.  What I didn’t remember was my bra.  Running short of time, I thought to myself… no-one will notice right? It’s a thick shirt, the pockets are in the right place.  I’ll just avoid the rain, and everything will be fine.

My free-boobing escaped notice when I arrived at work and hurried to the sanctuary of my desk. Feeling brave, I picked myself up to walk over to the amenities building and that’s when things started to go horribly wrong.

My heart started beating an irregular thump.  My breath became shallow.  My chest started to feel constricted.  I made it back to my desk, and sat down feeling dizzy.  Everything seemed to settle down, and I began to wonder what was causing these strange symptoms.  Did I overdo the exercise? Is it my quit smoking medication?  Or am I simply allergic to Monday?

I got up from my chair, and it happened AGAIN.  I quickly returned to my seat, but this time the symptoms didn’t disappear.  I put my head down for a little while to no avail, and I was starting to feel like a temporary citizen. I called to speak to my doctor and described my symptoms, and he immediately told me to hang up and call an ambulance.

Longest 40 minutes of my life, waiting for the paramedics to arrive.  My heart was palpitating and racing like a three legged race horse.

When the ambulance got there, two paramedics lifted me up and put me on a stretcher.  They hooked up cables and cords and the machines around me came to life with beeps and blips.  The sprayed some awful stuff under my tongue and stuck a needle in my arm, to bring down my heart beat.

By the time I got to the hospital, my heart had slowed and regulated, and I felt less like death.  Which was great except it gave me pause to remember I was free-boobing.  Sigh.  The one and only day I forget my bra, I get carted off to hospital?  Good thing the paramedics weren’t incredibly hot, or I’d have been embarrassed.



Trying to work out which wire to cut in case it turns out I am *actually* a bomb.


After a few hours of being hooked up to machines, the hospital diagnosed me as ‘not dying’ and sent me to see my GP.  As it turns out, I am the 1 in 10,000 who ends up with severe side effects from Champix, the medication I am taking to help me quit smoking.

I always knew I was special.

Now, I am going to have to quit COLD TURKEY.  Let’s hope I can do that without stabbing anyone.


12 responses to “Popping my ambulance cherry – A free-boobing story.

  • Vodka and Ground Beef

    First, I’m glad you’re alright.

    Second, were there any good-looking paramedics who could at least marvel about your free-boobing ways?

    I might free-boob tomorrow. I like the term you coined.

  • Veronica

    Ha, welcome to the world of falling on the wrong side of the statistics. I’ve got cushions and chocolate here.

    Glad you’re okay.

  • Elly Lou

    Yeesh. Quitting smoking cold turkey? If you weren’t a bomb before you’re gonna be now.

    I mean, you’re obviously “Da bomb” not just “a bomb.”

    I’m going to stop talking now.

  • Paul

    Do NOT cut the red wire! Or ONLY cut the red one. I don’t remember. No pressure.

    When I finally bring myself to quit I think I’ll avoid Champix. Unless it involves the misleading title and the hospital has cherries and free boobs. Might be worth it.

  • Peter

    I shall not comment on your free boobs, after all, my wife has a .38. I will say, simply get the patches. A little over five years ago I had a stroke, my wife bundled me into the car and off we went to the ER. I put out my cigarette, a non filter Pall Mall, which brand I had smoked since the early 1960s as I got out of the car. I was in the hospital six days, they put me on the patch that first day. I haven’t smoked since.

    Good luck. Oh, and if you care, I sometimes while away time by clicking on comments in blogs I read and see new (to me) blogs. This was a fun post. thanks for brightening my retirement a little.

  • Brandi Cortes

    Hi. I’m new here and you’re just funny shit (can I say that here?). Think I’ll stick around and watch you try not to stab someone. 😀

  • Me.

    Still exercising?

  • Jelly

    Vodka and Ground Beef… Firstly, I am going to call you V&GB for short, hope that’s alright. Free-boobing is awesome and should be practiced more often. Unless you have REALLY BIG BOOBS, in which case probably not. Just sayin’.

    Veronica… Thanks *hugs* I am feeling much better now, thankfully! I’ll still take the chocolate though. I’m a pig like that.

    Elly Lou… I’ve decided I don’t like any kind of turkey and that quitting is absolute torture. I am going to try and stick with it though. This time.

    Paul… I’d suggest trying an induced coma to quit smoking. Probably for about two weeks – two months. I think it’s the only way.

    Peter… See, this is why I think I need to be put in a coma for three weeks. Or locked up in a mental institution (which may actually happen anyway). Thanks for commenting, I am glad I could brighten your retirement a little. Also, have to tried bubble wrap? That shit rocks.

    Me… See now I feel like I am talking to myself even though I know who you are. That’s right I do. Because I am an awesome super sleuth/stalker. And to answer your question, I stopped exercising but rode a few times over the weekend and will get back into it this week.

  • Jelly

    Brandi… Hey, welcome! And yes, you can say whatever the hell you like here. Let’s face it, if kids are reading this they are already kinda screwed right?

  • Dani

    Well, that’s some scary shit. And you do look like a bomb. Luckily you are not and alive and well.

    I could not make it at work for two seconds without a bra. I cannot even imagine. That alone might cause me to get a rapid heartbeat!

  • E

    Good luck with quitting cold turkey! And WOO HOO for free boobing it 😉

    Glad to know you are doing alright.

  • Ben Adams

    I would like to join the rest in saying that thank God you survived! Good to know that you quit smoking and you are brave enough to face those withdrawal symptoms. You are not alone in the fight and a lot of people are experiencing what you are feeling right now so cheer up. You might also consider trying some other methods on the best way to quit smoking.

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