On pregnancy and abortion. No, this post isn’t funny.

WARNING:  If you were looking for something humorous, I’d suggest you go somewhere else now.  Perhaps visit The Bloggess.  She always makes me laugh.  But right after that come back and read my other posts.  Don’t make me get all jealous and stabby.

A few weeks ago I was stuffing food into my mouth and joking with my friends that I was late (not for work, or for the bus – I’m talking about my period) and that soon I might be eating for two.  I guess I wasn’t worried because there was such a slim chance of me getting pregnant.

“Knowing MY luck, I will be” I said rolling my eyes – It is common knowledge that I have some seriously bad luck when it comes to uninvited random life changing events.

Then after another week, I bought the pregnancy test.  Still joking about it, but wanting to be sure to be sure.  You know, like when you don’t think you’ve turned the iron off so you go back to check, but of COURSE you switched it off, and really deep down you knew that and… See my point?

And so I peed on a stick and about 5 minutes later I went back to make sure it was negative.  It wasn’t.  Shock ensued.

I knew whose it was immediately.  After all, I can do basic math (seriously).  He and I didn’t speak anymore, after we’d seen each other over just one long weekend and it hadn’t worked out due to *cough* irreconcilable differences of opinion.  Polite, aren’t I?

Over the course of the next couple of weeks I deliberated.  I let my thoughts wrestle between those of having a baby vs. how I would feel if I had the pregnancy terminated.  I still don’t know why I avoid using the word “abortion” when it’s legal and I’m pro-choice.  Oh wait, I just used it didn’t I? Moving on.

I spoke to the father, his preference being that if I was going to keep it that we “tried again”, or that I went ahead with the termination.  He really didn’t want to have a child to someone he isn’t in a caring relationship with.  Who does, I thought? He did he would do the right thing whatever I decided.

Intellectually I knew the right choice for me was to NOT have the baby.  Emotionally, my thoughts danced to the steady ticking of my biological clock, being 28 and actually wanting to have children.

I know now isn’t the right time.  I know when I do have children I want a supportive partner to share it with.  I am overjoyed by the fact that this means I CAN have children when I thought I couldn’t, even if I don’t have one now.

I knew I needed to make the right choice for ME – and my head tells me that not having the baby is the most sensible decision.  I try to hold onto that thought, even though right in this moment I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes, thinking it will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I have already booked a procedure to terminate the pregnancy.  Have an abortion.  Get un-pregnant.

I had to have an ultrasound today.  Sitting in the waiting room, the black plastic toilet sign figures mocked me and my bursting bladder.  Good thing they called me in on time, or I’d have made a mess all over their already terminally distasteful multi-coloured carpet.

I wish she had asked me if I wanted to watch while she did the scan.  That I had the forethought and strength to say “turn off the screen”.

I wish she had not told me I’d be due on the first of January.  A New Year baby.

I wish she’d asked before pointing to the flicker on the black and white screen that was my baby’s heart beating.

I wish she hadn’t let me hear the soft *lub-dub lub-dub* of the baby’s heart beat, clear and echoing in that small, sterile room.

I wish I couldn’t still hear it ringing in my ears now.

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16 responses to “On pregnancy and abortion. No, this post isn’t funny.

  • Carly Findlay

    Hi JellyWrestler,

    I read your tweets. I saw your news through my tweet feed last night.

    Wow, what a strong, courageous blog entry. You’re facing one of the biggest moments in your life. I am glad you have thought things through and are doing what you know feels best.

    Still, I can’t imagine how hard things must have been for you today, to see and hear the ultrasound. It makes it all the more real.

    I wish you the best, and am proud of you for writing this and being pro-choice.

    Carly

  • Teri

    You actually were fortunate to see the truth. So many women do not know what they have done until it is too late and then it haunts them…you can still change your mind.

    Ihope you change your mind..I know it is scary but things will work out and your baby will be a joy to you..sounds like you already are in love with it….

  • Manda

    I am 100% genuinely and absolutely pro-choice, but I think its important that you do experience those painful little moments before going ahead with a termination.

    I have never been pregnant myself, and being dealt a shit hand medically speaking I doubt I ever will be, however I would need to hear the heart beat, know the due date and see my baby before deciding not to have it, because I believe in making informed choices, and having that information is what makes you informed.

    If circumstances were different, and you simply COULDN’T go ahead with the termination after that experience, you would know then in your heart of hearts that you actually ARE ready.

    I dont know Teri from the comment above, but I think that laying on the guilt with comments about you being in love with this child already and hoping (for their sake or yours?) that you continue with the pregnancy are harmful and disrespectful. If you are NOT READY to have this child, then DO NOT have this child. Nothing is more damaging to a child than being brought into the world to be raised by someone ill-equiped for the job. Maybe you would fluke being a great mother, but I honestly believe that you should become a mother when you make the decision to, from a position of maturity, love and anticipation with a supportive and present partner… not because you weren’t able to make any other choice.

    I admire you so much for taking the steps to make your decision from an informed position, even if it was kind of against your will to be informed like that. Whatever decision you make will be the one that is best for you, and I applaud your strength in sharing this story 🙂

  • Lance

    Hi Jelly,

    Im Gottrocks from Twitter 😉

    As Carly mentioned above, it took alot of courage to write your post. I have never known anyone who had to go through the deliberation to have an abortion….so reading your words were moving to me.

    However, unlike Carly and Teri, I wont burden you with my political views….now is not the time….and its clear you are far from celebrating your decision.

    I just want to to offer support and friendship….

    Best,
    Lance

  • Veronica

    Oh Jelly. Oh honey honey honey. I want to hug you. Seriously, I do. And bring you chocolate and tissues and you know, stuff.

    Termination is not an easy choice. Neither is choosing to have the baby as a single mum. Rock and a hard place baby.

    You know where I am and I totally support you whatever you choose. You know that.

    God, I wish I could make it easier, or less hard even. I wish I knew the right stuff to say.

    Strength to you.

    xxx

  • Jelly

    Carly – thanks for you support. Writing is very good therapy for me, and I hope that by sharing this in some SMALL way it may help other women in the same situation to know they are not alone.

    Teri – I respect your views and am happy for you to share them. I believe that things don’t always ‘work out’ for women who have a baby just because the alternative is too difficult – in some situations it can end in a resentful life for the mother and an unhappy one for the child. But each situation is different, and I don’t envy anyone who has to go through this.

    Manda – Thanks for you support – You are right about making an informed decision, despite how difficult it can be to see, feel and hear the evidence. I am glad I am going into this with both eyes open, so that I will always know that I thought things through and made the choice that was best for me.

    Lance – Your support and friendship is appreciated, as with all of my twitter family. It’s amazing how comfort can be found by sharing my thoughts and knowing that even though I have never met most of my online friends, that you are all here for me.

    Veronica – Chocolate and tissues and hugs are always welcome. So is stuff. In fact, I really like stuff. It is a hard choice, either way, and I don’t know that I will ever be *sure* that I made the right decision. I do think termination is the best choice intellectually, and I appreciate your support and understanding of how difficult this will be for me.

  • Aydsman

    Wow. An incredibly heart-breaking situation to be in and an amazing blog post about it.

    I can’t imagine what you are going through with this situation. What I do know is that the Jelly I’ve come to know over the (relatively) short time is a caring, loving and amazing individual. She has a wonderful depth of thought and I’d trust her to cover every facet of the problem before she acts. I also convinced she’ll act from the heart.

    I don’t think there is really a “right” choice here. However I know whichever you choose will be the best you can make with the best of intentions.

  • Katie

    Hey Jelly,
    I know how much you are struggling with this. I know that whatever you decide will be tough to deal with at first, but let me remind you that you are surrounded by love and support and that whatever you decide we are here for you.
    much love your friend always
    katie
    xxx

  • April Clarke @amc602

    Came upon this entry totally at random. It’s so sad that you don’t have the support you need. Emotional, fiscal, whatever you define support as. There is never a “good” time to have a child. No one ever has enough space in their home, time away from work, good enough job or money in the bank. If those are the things you base the decision on then only the super rich could ever have kids. You just need to know if you have enough love in your heart. Don’t worry about the ‘guy’ and you not being in a relationship. What year was he born anyhow? This is no fairy tale. This is life. No two scenarios are the same. Give your baby your name, not his. If he’s really interested you can work out the visitation details later. Don’t do something you’ll regret. Thinking every year, “She would be x old now” is no way to spend the rest of your life. I am pro choice but I shudder to think how horrible someone’s life would have to be to make that choice. Having a baby, your baby will strengthen you in ways you never could have imagined. Best of luck in your decision.

  • Mandy

    Hi Jelly

    I just read your blog and you have had me in tears too. I have never been in that situation and i dont envy what you are going through. It must be so difficult, especially wen you had the ultrasound. I just want to say that you have many people here to support whatever you do and that we are all looking out for you. You need to do what is best for you.

    Mandy

  • E

    What a hard decision to make. I am sending you lots of good thoughts and energy and the strength to make the best decision for YOU.

    Hugs to you!

  • M

    Hi jellywrestler
    I feel for you in your struggle with your decision, it is never a nice place for any woman, or man for that matter, to be in. I absolutely agree with April Clarke in her comments.

    I thought I, being a mother (although I’m sure u know plenty of “mums” & have had their support & perspective) might comment from my own perspective. I am a mother of four. None planned, all wonderful surprises. My eldest is from a previous relationship & my three younger from my current relationship. I was in your position @ 15yrs old & decided to keep my boy. He is more than a mum could ask for in a child, I am blessed. Ultimately I think, at the end of the day, when we are on our death beds, we as people, our biggest & best contribution to society & all we have to leave behind that is worth anything, is our loved ones, our children & their children & so on.

    Best of luck to you

  • Me.

    Holy shit. I missed a lot… #understatementoftheyear

  • spark

    Jelly, I’ve had an abortion, lost my second pregnancy to miscarriage, then had a daughter and a son. Now what I think about is the fact that I actually ended the life of someone. I didn’t do it for medical reasons or mental health reasons, I just didn’t want a baby. Now I am so ashamed to realized that I am that person that I so despise. The one who would end a life just because it would be an inconvenience. If I could I would go back in time and give it up for adoption to someone who wanted it. Even now I can’t think of it in terms of the baby boy that he would have been without being heartbroken.
    I’m living a life that I love, one that is considerably different than if I had gone through with the pregnancy and most of the time I’m a happy successful woman with a happy family. But I’ll always have a secret that I never told anyone but you and sometimes I have to leave everyone for a while to deal with the immense sadness, then I go back to my life and kids and pretend nothing is wrong. No matter what you do there will always be days when you wish you had made the other choice. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing the very best for you.

  • Peter

    I wish you well and I hope you might consider the third option, adoption. I don’t know that it would be right for your situation, I have only known so many couples over my life that simply could not have their own baby.

    Whatever you choose, though, you will live with it and grow from it. Please accept this virtual bowl of Blue Bell Summer Berry Ice Cream and a box of chocolates.

    Good luck.

  • On pregnancy and abortion Part 2. Still not funny, but less likely to make you cry. « No Good Reason

    […] myself not knowing where to start. So why not start where I left off? You can find my last post here.  If you’re too lazy to click on that let me sum it up.  I found out I was pregnant, and […]

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