It’s my birthday tomorrow, so excuse me if I am feeling stabby.

Yep.  It’s my birthday tomorrow.  I am going to be 28.

When asked what I am doing I’ll say “not much” or “just having a quiet one this year”.  I’ll be vague and smile and pretend I’m excited, when really I just can’t wait for it to be over.

Truth is, I’m not good at birthdays.

The last really happy birthday I can remember having was when I was 16.  A wonderful party, at my family home, with all my friends and family.  I can still remember having a few drinks, and standing in a swaying circle of people who loved me while my Dad sang “You’re 16, your beautiful, and you’re mine”.  Then, I snuck away and played tonsil hockey with my crush on the backseat of the school bus.  Good times.

Since then, my birthdays have been a disappointment.  Some highlights (is that what you call them?  If they aren’t good are they really “high” lights? Or are they lowlights?  I am confused):

My 18th – I had just been disowned by my mother and so spent it with my boyfriend – who got kicked out of every club we went to because he “couldn’t be bothered” adhering to the dress code. 

My 19th – The only person who remembered that day was my best friend and her family.  God bless them.  It made the fact that my then partner (who I lived with) had completely forgotten hurt just a little less.  When he remembered a week later he DID buy me a gift… stress balls.  Asshole.

My 22nd – I was told we were having a birthday lunch with all my friends and family.  5 people turned up, apparently no-one got the invitation – Of course I had no idea until I talked to everyone later.  At time time I just assumed that everyone knew and no-one had bothered.

While I was married, I was the one bringing home most of the money.  So, if room in our budget allowed it we did something I wanted to do.  Most of the time it was “Oh, but we just got that {insert latest gadget} we can’t really afford it”.  There was no real romance there.  No breakfast in bed… No well thought out gifts that made me feel truly appreciated. 

I’ve never been spoilt, been made special.  My birthday has never been a day I’ve looked back on and thought “It couldn’t get any better”.

Maybe this year will be different.  I am going to try to wake up tomorrow and remember it’s MY day, and do what I want. 

I will spend time with the people I care about and be thankful that this year, at least, I don’t HAVE a partner to provide me another disappointment.  Oh, and I will have cake at work.  I like cake.

I WILL try to enjoy my day.

But if I am feeling a little stabby, please excuse me.  At least you know why.

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