Monthly Archives: August 2009

I can’t think of a title for this post which doesn’t contain the word ‘cock’.

Since things have been getting a little more personal around here lately, I have some news I just had to share with you.

I saw Eskimo Joe in concert last night!  They were awesome, as I expected, and played a bit of their old stuff mixed in with tracks of their new Album “Inshalla”.  I am sure it was as different for them playing at a sit-down venue as it was for us to stay sitting down – and,  most didn’t. 

The Joe

The Joe

Supporting them was Bob Evans (Kevin Mitchell), who I REALLY enjoyed live and would have enjoyed him a lot more thoroughly if he’d only asked thought he was very talented.

After the show (and before the Joe came on) he was signing autographs – and since I was wearing a Splendour in the Grass t-shirt, I asked him to sign that for me.

  my cock

Me: Would you do me a favour?  I’d love it if you’d sign my t-shirt…


Kevin Mitchell:  Sure, where would you like me to sign?


Me: On my cock.  Thanks!


 He laughed and tried not to make eye contact, but deep down I think he really wanted me to leave.

That’s right.  I basically asked Kevin Mitchell to sign my cock.  And now I can cross one more thing off my list of ‘Things to do before I die’.  Awesome.

Eskimo Joe and Bob Evans live

Eskimo Joe and Bob Evans live


It’s my birthday tomorrow, so excuse me if I am feeling stabby.

Yep.  It’s my birthday tomorrow.  I am going to be 28.

When asked what I am doing I’ll say “not much” or “just having a quiet one this year”.  I’ll be vague and smile and pretend I’m excited, when really I just can’t wait for it to be over.

Truth is, I’m not good at birthdays.

The last really happy birthday I can remember having was when I was 16.  A wonderful party, at my family home, with all my friends and family.  I can still remember having a few drinks, and standing in a swaying circle of people who loved me while my Dad sang “You’re 16, your beautiful, and you’re mine”.  Then, I snuck away and played tonsil hockey with my crush on the backseat of the school bus.  Good times.

Since then, my birthdays have been a disappointment.  Some highlights (is that what you call them?  If they aren’t good are they really “high” lights? Or are they lowlights?  I am confused):

My 18th – I had just been disowned by my mother and so spent it with my boyfriend – who got kicked out of every club we went to because he “couldn’t be bothered” adhering to the dress code. 

My 19th – The only person who remembered that day was my best friend and her family.  God bless them.  It made the fact that my then partner (who I lived with) had completely forgotten hurt just a little less.  When he remembered a week later he DID buy me a gift… stress balls.  Asshole.

My 22nd – I was told we were having a birthday lunch with all my friends and family.  5 people turned up, apparently no-one got the invitation – Of course I had no idea until I talked to everyone later.  At time time I just assumed that everyone knew and no-one had bothered.

While I was married, I was the one bringing home most of the money.  So, if room in our budget allowed it we did something I wanted to do.  Most of the time it was “Oh, but we just got that {insert latest gadget} we can’t really afford it”.  There was no real romance there.  No breakfast in bed… No well thought out gifts that made me feel truly appreciated. 

I’ve never been spoilt, been made special.  My birthday has never been a day I’ve looked back on and thought “It couldn’t get any better”.

Maybe this year will be different.  I am going to try to wake up tomorrow and remember it’s MY day, and do what I want. 

I will spend time with the people I care about and be thankful that this year, at least, I don’t HAVE a partner to provide me another disappointment.  Oh, and I will have cake at work.  I like cake.

I WILL try to enjoy my day.

But if I am feeling a little stabby, please excuse me.  At least you know why.

51 things about me

So, I was thinking of a way I could tell you all a little more about myself, without rambling TOO much and having you fall asleep at your keyboards.  And so, the “Things about me” list was born.  I’m lazy.  Keep up.

I managed to get to 51, though I probably cheated.  Whatever.  Enjoy!

  1. I quit smoking about a month ago.  I’ve lost count because I don’t smoke anymore.  While I was quitting, however, I was often feeling stabby and throwing 5 year old tantrums.  Thankfully, I live alone.
  2. I once painted a house.  Like, the whole outside of the house. 
  3. Sometimes I can be quite flaky.
  4. Even though I am sometimes flaky, I am excellent in an emergency.  If there is going to be a zombie invasion I am definately a good person to have around until they start chasing us and I trip you.  Stick with me.
  5. I can juggle.  Not a schedule, books, or boyfriends.  ACTUALLY Juggle.
  6. I have a love hate relationship with my unicycle, but I will eventually learn to ride it without doing bodily harm.
  7. This may be obvious,  but as a child I wanted to run away and join the circus.  Amongst a billion other things.
  8. I have a boat.  I always wanted a boat.  Now, if I can just find a set of drums my childhood dreams could be complete….
  9. When I was 20 and I fell pregnant and then had a complicated miscarriage.  The doctors at the time told me I probably wouldn’t be able to have children – So I’ve always told everyone else, and myself, that I don’t want kids when the truth is I think I would love a family and am too scared to admit it.
  10. I HATE people who pretend to be something they aren’t.  Especially when chatting online.  This is not just strong dislike people, this is HATE.
  11. I don’t really like mushrooms, but I will eat them if they are in something else.  I’d prefer not too though.
  12. I am a coffee whore.  I love coffee, I live for coffee, coffee is my life blood.  That is all.
  13. I don’t think whore is necessarily a BAD word if used in relation to coffee.  But if you call me a whore I might hurt you.  It’s okay for me to do it, not you.  Understand?
  14. My coffee addiction tried competing with my chocolate addiction, however after an epic battle of wits and strength they agreed to be friends and are currently residing in the form of chocolate covered coffee beans.
  15. I am 28 years old on Tuesday.
  16. I love the internet.  I love my internet friends.  I think we are all forging a fantastic new path for future generations to communicate, make friends, and network with people all over the world.
  17. I ❤ Twitter #AndIReallyReallyReallyLoveHashtags.  It’s always great to have more friends, and I find Twitter is a great place to find them.
  18. I love cooking.  And baking.  It’s actually quite scary how domesticated I can be.  Shhhh… Don’t tell anyone.
  19. I support Collingwood in the AFL. GO PIES!
  20. My dog is nearly 5 years old and he is a mastiff cross.  His name is Jake.  He is awesome.
  21. I used to ride horses, and at 15 was winning events at a national level.
  22. I don’t ride anymore, though I’d love to – maybe one day when I have the kids I say I don’t want.
  23. I love computers and technology yet I don’t even have my own computer.
  24. Storms are awesome, and there is nothing better than watching the lighting and listening the the thunder with someone you are close to.
  25. I play really awesome Guitar Hero.  But I have no actual musical talent at all.
  26. I need more shoes.  Unfortunately, I have expensive taste.
  27. My relationships have always been quite unromantic, and although I used to pretend I was okay with that the truth is I am a romantic at heart.  Again with the Shhh ok?
  28. I love the place I work and the people I work with, although I don’t love the job I am doing.  It is, however, the best place for me to be while I work out what I really want to do, and I am happy with that.
  29. Sometimes, I got to bed without taking off my make-up after a night out because I am too tired.
  30. I shaved my head once.  With a razor and everything, smooth.  It was to raise money for a charity so that made it ok.  Also, I had a bet on with my boss that she’d shave hers too if I raised over $5000.  I did.  I was a fantastic experience.
  31. I have a lot of trouble accepting help from other people, but I am learning that it’s ok to do that sometimes.
  32. I don’t like seafood.  Except some fish.  And prawns, sometimes.  Okay, I guess I like SOME seafood.
  33. I can’t sing.  Not in the “my ears are bleeding” kind of way.  Just in the “I’ll never be famous” kind of way.
  34. I enjoy fishing – and I can even bait my own hook.  I COULD clean the fish too, but really, I’d prefer not to.
  35. When I was about 21 I was so thin that I broke into our house (at the time) by having my housemate post me through the security bars on the windows like a letter.
  36. I suffer from insomnia, sporadically. 
  37. I really like the word sporadically.
  38. I was married, and separated from my husband last year.  It’s been difficult, but I know more about myself than I ever did, and I am kind of enjoying the self-discovery phase I am in.
  39. When I left high school I wanted to be a vet, and I studied a year a half of Applied Science at University.  Found it wasn’t for me, and spent too much time in the Arts faculty attending classes I wasn’t signed up for *cough* like Philosophy.  I left.
  40. I have already eaten an entire family block of chocolate while writing this.
  41. I used to be a Functions Manager and so know what it’s like to work 60 hour weeks.  I cherish my weekends.  Don’t ever fuck with them.
  42. Sometimes I swear.
  43. I am very non-judgemental, and a great listener.
  44. When I was 16 I was involved in a motorbike accident and I haven’t been on one since.
  45. I love sailing, although I haven’t done it in a really long time.
  46. Sometimes I think I am ready to start dating again.
  47. Sometimes I think I might not ever want a relationship again.
  48. I tend to contradict myself sometimes.
  49. I have an odd sense of humour, which I tend to tone down when around people who don’t know me very well.  Which is probably for the best.
  50. I’d really like to learn how to surf.   Preferably under the guidance of a really good looking male experienced instructor.
  51. I like to think I am a little be different, just like everyone else.

I think there’s something we can all learn from this – Lists are not my strong point!

My holiday – The good, the bad, and the embarrassing.

Despite the cold, I had the BEST FUCKING TIME EVER on my holiday – It was just what the doctor ordered!  Not literally of course, but we don’t need to talk about prescription medication NOW do we?  Good.  Anyway, it was awesome to see my family after 5 or 6 years, and it felt like I had never left.

Which, it was pointed out to me yesterday, is a strange thing to say since I never actually LIVED there.  A mere technicality I say! Home is where the heart is, and mine has always been with my family.  Fuck.  Did I just write that?  I must be going soft.  Moving on.

My Dad and I flew in Friday afternoon – and not long after I had a call from a friend I’ve been chatting to online for a few months, checking to see if I’d be out later to catch up for a drink.  Why not?  I thought…  He said he wasn’t an axe murderer (doesn’t use axes), and Dad and I were having a few drinks anyway.  He impressed me immediately – I was getting drinks at the bar when he arrived, and so after a quick hello he went and introduced himself to my Dad and they were busy chatting when I got back to the table.  Of course, Dad scarpered not long after that, and we continued on to have a fucking awesome night.  SUPER FUCKING AWESOME, in fact.

Fortunately, Saturday was spent visiting family and doing a bit of shopping, so I managed to cope with my hangover and lack of sleep quite well!

My cousin’s 21st birthday party was a huge success – we laughed, we cried, drank cocktails, shots and pre-mixed girlie drinks (I DID manage to have a few beers *sigh*).  And that was BEFORE the party even started!

Wearing a pretty dress and impractical footwear, I figured I was off to a good start in my quest to blend in with the 21 year olds.  The drunker I got, the easier it was, and by the time we got in the limo I was S-M-A-S-H-E-D.  And yes, fitting in quite nicely thank you.  The rest of the evening is kind of a blur, but here’s what I DO remember…

  • I got to go in the ‘cool’ limousine but I am not sure why it was the ‘cool’ one because I am just not that cool.
  • We all stopped because we needed to pee (gee, who’d have guessed THAT would happen).  There were no toilets where we stopped (Thanks Mr Limo driver).
  • Yes, I was the chick who peed behind the dumpster.  I am THAT fucking classy.
  • At least I wasn’t the chick who threw up at the bar.  Guess I should have taken her seriously when she said “I’m going to have this shot, then I am going to throw up”.
  • In the first club we went to I was offered drugs that I don’t even know the NAME of 30 seconds after walking through the door.  That continued to be a theme throughout the club.
  • I called someone I’d met up with on the Friday night to come ‘save me’ and he took me to another club with a few friends which was MUCH more relaxed and less drug-dependant.  Fortunately he was as smashed as I was.
  • Standing on the street at 4.30 in the morning waiting for a cab I felt like every cell in my entire body was being individually snap frozen.

The next day, I am proud to say, I was in MUCH better shape than my cousin.  I am as surprised as you are.  Dad and I managed to go to the markets, where I bought 3kg of dutch licorice (yum) and a new jacket, before FINALLY we got back to my Aunty’s to SIT DOWN before dinner.  Yep, you guessed it – I was pretty fucking tired by this stage.

I WAS supposed to catch up with friend on Sunday – but he never called – and I didn’t have his number with me.  I was pretty disappointed actually, but, in the end there’s not much I could do.  I guess it just wasn’t important to him or he’d have picked up the phone right?

Sunday night was spent saying goodbyes… One in particular that was a lot harder than it should have been… Grrrr… and trying to get some sort of sleep before all the flying and driving to get home.

Of course, having said that, we still managed to stop at the factory outlet after we got off the plane – It’s amazing the energy you can find when you don’t want your holiday to end!

Now… to work out how soon I can get back again… and SOON!

Has anyone seen my rock? I need to crawl back under it, thanks

You know who I was trying out the whole ‘dating’ thing?  Well, a few weeks ago, I decided that really it just wasn’t working out. So I’ve thrown it in the ‘too hard’ basket for now.

Truth is, I became a bit of a ‘boyfriend magnet’.  It was completely not intentional.  It’s just the only men that seemed to be chasing me were the ones that are ALREADY TAKEN!

I am going to take a minute to point out the obvious to any men that might actually be reading this: Telling a girl you’re interested while you are already IN a relationship is NOT flattering.  It is, however, an insightful indication of what to expect from you in the future. 

So boys, if you’re in a broken relationship to which there is no fix – and you find yourself wanting someone else – do yourself a HUGE favour.  End the relationship before making an idiot of yourself trying to convince the ‘someone else’ you want them.

I know quite a few men in relationships – And, I can be a big flirt, am easy to talk to, and make a great friend.  But to me the line is pretty fucking clear.  I won’t cross it.  I am not that kind of girl.


Now, where’s my rock?  I need to crawl back under it.