Monthly Archives: June 2009

An ode to the spider that attacked me in the shower

For some reason this post decided to come out as a poem.  I’m sorry.  Possibly because it’s therapeutic to rhyme about the memories you want to repress.  I don’t know. 

Just so you know, the last poem I wrote was in 10th grade.  Just sayin’.  I am a bit worried about the… you know… comma’s and full stops and capital letters and such… what’s that called again?  Also, my memory.  Obviously.

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I am fucking fabulous and I have the award to prove it

So, I get this message from Alyssa on Twitter – “Oi, read this then stop being lazy”.

I nearly fucking died of fucking shock when I clicked on the link and arrived at Hazy Pink Thoughts.

Miss Rosa gave me fucking award!  A fucking fabulous award! Thank you!

FUCKINGFAB

The idea is, I tell you five things I am currently obsessing about.  Then I get to pass this on to 5 fucking fabulous bloggers!  So here we go: –

1. Twitter

Yes, I am seriously obsessed with Twitter.  I thought it would be a passing phase, but it seems to have set in.   I am actively NOT using twitter on my phone so that I can maintain SOME contact with the outside world.  You can follow me on Twitter here.  In fact, if there’s an emergency you should probably tweet me.

2.   To date, or not to date

I’m kind of in an “enjoying single life but it’s lonely sometimes” phase.  I separated from my husband last year, have been single for about 6 months now, and lately I have been obsessing about whether or not I should start dating.  I have signed up on a couple of social sites and met some lovely people (and an inbox full of random penis photos) but I am completely out of my element, and I have absolutely no idea what I want.  Is that normal?

3.  Google Trends

Did you know that sex beats chocolate hands down all over the world?  Also, penis beats vagina.  Unless you are in Indonesia.  Go figure!

4.  Seeing my family

I have lots of family in Ballarat, that I never ever get to see (it’s a locational thing).  It’s my cousin’s 21st birthday next month.  I have been missing them a lot, and I thought it might be a great time for a quick holiday! 

5.  Baking

I have been baking baking baking every week!  I feel like Betty-Fucking-Crocker but it’s been great for my self-esteem.  Apparently turning up with baked goods = instant popularity.

And now, for 5 fucking fabulous bloggers!

1.  Todd at Salt – I know this award doesn’t really go with your twisted musings, but I am dying to know what you obsess about!

2. Trojan’s Blog – Because he finally posted something that wasn’t completely sports related, and I want to encourage this!  Also, he is responsible for wasting half my afternoon on Google Trends.  Yeah, thanks for that.

3. MonsteRawr– Because Steph (can I call you Steph?) is just fucking fabulous, and I think we would get along really well in real life.  Sitting on the couch eating ice cream and laughing at crazy people.

4. Better Oot Than In– How can you not have a fucking fabulous blog when you’re name in Mr Farty?  Nuff said.

5. The Black Tulip – Hannah-Lane (if you forget the – you will be shunned) Because I love randomness.  And also she wrote in her ‘Yours Truly’ section  “I’m kinda like Disneyland in the sense that you must be at least ‘this tall’ (6′1″) to ride.” 

Fucking fabulous!


Optimism crashed my pity party

So, it’s been a bad awful craptastic week.  The kind of week where you feel like someone has violently shoved a pineapple up your arse and you have no idea who it was or where it came from. 

Thankfully, as usual, my twitter friends were there for me – oh no, not joining me in my misery, but crashing my pity party and suggesting I try a little optimism for a change.

So, in honour of them, I am going to remember the good things that happened this week.

  • My best friend turned 30.  I will never be as old as she is (love you xoxo).  Also, we have never been closer and I am thankful everyday that I have her in my life.  She’s my heterosexual life partner.
  • I have a ticket for Eskimo Joe who are playing the day before my birthday.  Awesome.
  • I broke into my house three times this week after forgetting my keys.  This might not SOUND good, but it feels pretty awesome to climb a ladder with a torch in your mouth and pretend you are a burglar.
  •  I helped a friend stay in the country (immigration stuff).  Not only that, but she bought me flowers to say thank you – I can’t remember the last time I got flowers!
  • Friends bought over Guitar Hero Metallica, and not only was that awesome in itself, but I REALLY love beating the boys and fucking with their ego. *insert evil grin*
  • I had a steak so awesome that it fell apart in my mouth and I seriously considered proposing to the chef.  Maybe next time, I mean, it’s only the second time I’ve been there after all.  I am sure he gets it all the time anyway.
  • I got to drink drive, legally.  Playing free racing car cames at the pub.  For some reason I drive better with a pot glass in my hand, who’d have thought?

Also, I have decided that it might-possibly-could-be time to start dating, so I signed up on dating/social site.  Yep, that’s where the random penis came from, but it’s not all bad.  The site, that is – not the penis.  More on that later.

I’ll leave you with with a poster that contains some SOLID advice.  Take note people!

image017 

 


Thought for the day

cartoon


Congratulations Universe – Today, I hate you.

Today, I am thinking.  Thinking way too much.  Then trying to stop myself from thinking by baking because thinking is getting me nowhere fast.

Today, it feels like over the last year the universe has conspired to take all my hopes and dreams and shatter them into a billion razor sharp pieces.

Today, I remember I have my health, and I count my blessings for that.  I am thankful I have good friends who I know love and support me.  Without them I would truly be alone.

Today, as I type, I cry.  The silent kind, where the tears just seem to keep coming, from some unknown place.  A place perhaps you don’t want to look because it’s just too fucking scary and you don’t know where to start.

Today, I think I know why they call depression “Anger without enthusiasm”.

Today, I give up.

Tomorrow will be another day.


Is this your penis?

*THIS POST IS NSFW.  ACTUALLY, I WOULD SUGGEST YOU DON’T SCROLL DOWN.*

It was a beautiful morning, and I was sitting on my front verandah with my smokes breakfast and some vodka freshly brewed coffee.

As usual, I open my e-mail, twitter, and facebook and see what’s new with the online world.

That’s when it happened.  Random Penis. ON MY EMAIL.

I joined a social/dating site a few of my friends were on, and the photo sent to me from someone who wants to ‘be my friend’.  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!? 

I have also had about 10 emails in broken English, and 4 one line messages asking if I want sex.  Still no real people.  Maybe I need to change my profile picture?

So, as I am currently quite drunk and it’s about 2am, I thought I would post a photo of said penis in the hopes that someone will recognise it.  I’d really like to return it as soon as possible.   I’m just not that kind of girl.

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS PENIS?

HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS PENIS?

I’m the kind of girl who has a blog, and isn’t afraid to use it.

Ps.  If you have nothing better to do, follow me on twitter here.  

Pps. I am really really really drunk and I wanted to say thank you to all you people who are making me feel the online bloggy kind of love.  You know who you are.  I love you guys.

Pps.  You really shouldn’t join twitter.  It’s distracting.  I spent 45 minutes looking up what temperature to preheat the oven to for my cupcakes because I kept checking twitter first, then going back to the kitchen and remembering I STILL hadn’t looked it up.

Ppps.  Did I warn you at the start of this post that I was drunk?  I probably should have.  Last night I was also drunk, and came home wearing only one sock, but both my boots.  It’s okay though, I didn’t wear socks tonight.  I learn from my mistakes.