Monthly Archives: April 2009

We are taking the swine flu seriously around here

Apparently my friends are taking the swine flu seriously… I got this on email this morning…

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 Moral of the story:  Don’t lick pigs.  Okay?


Naked women made me late for work. I blame the neighbours.

A few weeks ago (on a Monday, funnily enough), I woke up with this unnatural ability to be able to hear a fly landing on a dog turd half a mile away.  So, I figured, I had either developed super powers overnight, or I had one HELL of a headache.  And since, you know, I don’t wear my underwear on the outside, it was definitely the latter.

Anyway, I digress.

I took a few *cough* pills and sat in the shower (yeah, I sit in the shower sometimes, don’t judge me). Then, I got dressed for work, put on the darkest sunglasses I could find and zombie walked my way to the car.  It took me a whole five minutes to work out why I couldn’t see out my windscreen, cos hey? what’s a few more black dots right?  Until I realised they weren’t dots they were rectangles, and not black at all but full colour pictures of naked women. 

I am not making this shit up.  I got out the car and pulled two well known nudie mags from under my windshield wipers.  I looked around.

It was like I had woken up in heaven, IF I was actually a horny teenage boy.  Which I am not.  Surrounding me, on poles and fences and cars were centrefolds plastered as far as the eye could see.  Well, as far as my eyes could see, I had a headache remember?  There were lots of them.  Let’s leave it at that.

So, I am not really sure exactly what happened in my street the night before, but I am pretty sure that it has something to do with my neighbours.  You know, anyone who plays ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ 7 times in a row is totally headed for a breakdown of some kind.  Distributing porn mags is a sign of a breakdown right?

When I got to work, and told them naked women made me late, at first they didn’t believe me.  But apparently the magazines were enough to persuade them.  Or bribe them….


Apparently it’s not just Mondays that hate me. It’s the universe.

Hi, my name is Jelly, and I am addicted to breaking stuff.  And things.

Not intentionally, you understand, but I believe what I have to be called ‘Passion Fingers’.  You know, the disease where you fuck everything you touch.  That’s me.

And so, it didn’t surprise me AT ALL that my attempt to install a new hard drive in my desktop would go down in flames.  Well, smoke AND flames to be exact.

My power supply blew up.  And not the tiny little ‘pop’ type blowing up.  I mean the sparks-fire-smoke and a very loud ‘BANG’ type blowing up.  Oh joy.

I have a spare power supply, so I put that one in and tried again.  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  It appears I managed to break it BEFORE I EVEN INSTALLED IT.  I really am that clever.

Also today – I have broken two glasses, 1 piece of pool hose, my new handbag strap and the mop.

And you know what?  None of this surprises me.  Pessimism pays off again.

Although, I just found out that MrFarty is being followed by Susan Boyle.  So things could be worse.


Sewage, Street Signs and Spiders. I hate Mondays.

The week has not started well.

As if I needed ANOTHER reason to hate Mondays, I woke up this morning with the scent of slightly processed sewage taking my nose hairs hostage.

I don’t even know what to say – If the hadn’t already convinced me, the trails of toilet paper in my backyard would have been enough to confirm it wasn’t grey water.  YUCK.

Why does this shit happen to me?

Of course, it has given me the excuse to make double entendre’s all day… (this is where I paused to google double entendre’s to make sure a. I spelled it correctly, and b. that is what I actually meant) with such gems as:

“I woke up and there was shit everywhere!”

“I really need to go home and see if someone can fix this shit”

“I hope they have that shit fixed before I get home!”

It’s just so much fun when you are talking about ACTUAL SHIT.  There is simply a shitload of possibilities.  And it’s also possibly the only slightly positive thing that happened today.

Driving home from work the ute was driving like a three wheeled tractor, so we pulled off the side of the road to have a look.  One of the mud guards had some loose and was banging against the wheel.  Being the ever resourceful pessimist I am, I just sighed and wired it back on with a coathanger. 

Further down the road, I was following a car which had a bumper sticker that read “Sponsored by Centrelink”.  No Shit.  Why would you advertise that on your CAR?! It’s like saying  “Hi, I am unemployed, a pensioner and/or disabled and I get government payments for that shit”.  Perhaps I just don’t understand.  I wanted to get a photo, but obviously am not as talented as TheBloggess, who manages to take photo’s WHILE DRIVING.

Nearly home, and on the corner of  my block I see a young feral, about 16, wearing ripped clothes and shaggy hair, with a sledgehammer pounding at the base of a street sign in what appeared to be an attempt to steal it.  Stopped at the light, I watched as he finally broke it, and it crashed to the ground.  Throwing the sledgehammer over his shoulder he ran quickly across the road – STRAIGHT INTO A COUNCIL TRUCK.  I am really glad I saw this, before I got home and called the Council to report it…

Yeah.  That would have been an AWESOME conversation.  NOT.

Got home, and it looks like my pool pump is broken – but I can’t check because there is a big evil spider lurking in the vicinity and I am seriously phobic about spiders. Like, jump-out-of-a-moving-car if-someone-mentions-the-word type of  phobic.

I’m writing this post, from my bedroom, armed with a can of bug juice, and the doors and windows are locked.  Shit.  Knowing my luck the house will burn down and I won’t be able to get out… 

Send Vodka and Drugs.  The codeword is “I have vodka and/or drugs”.


Stephen Lynch should tour Australia so I can follow him around like a groupie. Also, 3 Balloons ROCKS.

So, Stephen Lynch has a new album out called 3 Balloons.  And IT. IS. AWESOME.

AND, he’s touring right now.  But not in Australia. *sigh*

I know it sounds over stalker-ish, but if he doesn’t tour Australia soon, I might get kind of stabby.

So, I sent the following email to him through his website:

Dear Stephen,

Firstly, I am just going to get it out of the way and say OHMYGODILOVEYOUSOMUCH and be done with it.

*cough*  Moving right along.

I am from Australia, and have been a huge fan of you for A LONG TIME.  And, your new album is no exception.  Seriously.   It’s pretty fucking awesome.

Anyway, I would like to know if you have any plans to tour Australia in the future.  I mean shit, you could have a holiday, do three gigs and write it off on tax couldn’t you? It’s a beautiful country – Have you been here before?  I am sure you would love it, and perhaps find some inspiration for new material.

Hell, you could even stay at my place.  I’ll even cook.

Anyway, in closing, I would be really pleased if you could consider touring Australia.  If you don’t, I might get kind of stabby.  Apologies in advance. 

Yours in potential disturbing conversation,

Jelly.

Ps.  The views and opinions stated in this email in no way represent anyone other than the writer.  Except the bit about how awesome you are.  That’s an all-round thing.

*cough*  So anyway.  I doubt I will get a response, but I do feel a lot better for having at LEAST been proactive about it.  Especially since it’s the only thing I have done today.

Here is a link for my favourites from the new album – But seriously, you should go and buy it HERE.  Right Now.  Enjoy!

Fishin’ Hole

Much Prettier Than You

A History Lesson

Why are you still here?  If you don’t know about Stephen Lynch already, GO FIND OUT!

Oh, then come back and comment, I am feeling needy.


I think I made myself throw up a little – Arse sweat and poo particles? Anyone?

So, the work 4WD got a little um, moist (*giggle* I really was looking for an excuse to use that word) going through all the puddles… see here for pictures

Driving to work yesterday, we noticed an overpowering stench coming from the inside of the car….

BOSS:  This car stinks.

ME:  Understatement of the day?

BOSS:  Why though?  I mean, I know it got wet and everything, but it shouldn’t smell THIS bad…

ME:  It’s the arse sweat.  You know, from the boys when the drive the ute, their arse sweat soaks into the foam, and now, it’s all floating around the car like atmospheric arse sweat… You know kind of like poo particles?

BOSS: Poo particles?

ME:  Yeah, you know when someone rips a good one and then you can smell it?  That’s because you are breathing in little particles of poo…

BOSS:  I think maybe you should get a lift with someone else tomorrow.

In closing, never ask me to describe the way something smells, because the conversation will ALWAYS come back to poo particles.

The best part of the day?  Looking up poo particles and finding it exists in the urban dictionary.

Awesome.


My $100 Bargain Boat – I am currently the girl you love to hate.

That’s right.

$100 for a boat.  A boat, outboard AND a trailer, to be exact. You heard me. 

It is beyond words – I am the envy of all my friends, and I am LOVING IT.  I have always wanted a boat, so when I heard there was one going cheap through a workmate I jumped at the chance.

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Of course, it’s old, and it needs some work, but the outboard still runs well. 

I am excited.  Not that much $ required before I am ready to register it and get it in the water!  Of course, now I need a name… Any suggestions?

Incidentally, I am really happy that I didn’t have any underwear on the line when I took this photo.  But just so you know, it’s not because I don’t wash or anything.  I have a line under my house which I use, even if it’s not raining.  My excuse is that it stops things from fading, but that’s a lie.  Really, it’s just closer and I am lazy.  So there you go.  What were we talking about again?

Oh yeah, my boat.  My $100 bargain buy of 2009.  Hopefully my short attention span doesn’t affect my ability to properly enjoy it.   Don’t be jealous, you can all come to my boat warming party 🙂